[Weekly Words on Women] Who Decides

Based on the phenomenal response my post last week got, I thought I'd address an aspect of my underlying argument differently. I'd like to try to look at this in a more objective and dispassionate way.

My original premise was that men - by virtue of being men - don't have the authority or privilege of deciding what women view as sexist, misogynistic, or otherwise problematic.  My general basis for this argument is that men are not affected or impacted by items, situations or actions that could be perceived as sexist, misogynistic or problematic in the same way that women are.

I'll accept the proposed suggestion that there are guys that value women and their struggles in modern society, and specifically gaming. I'll go along with the idea that there are men that are interested in battling injustices, who want to voice their opposition to those items, situations and actions. I don't disagree that there is a corps of men who believe as strongly as I do that wrong is wrong.

There comes a time when the folks deciding what is wrong (and to some extent, WHY) is a pretty important part of any discussion. Maybe this flies in the face of your worldview- that "wrong is wrong", and that's all there is to it. Perhaps the concept that who says an item, situation or action is wrong makes no difference to you; as long as someone is speaking out, it's a good thing (to you).

I'll attempt to explain as clearly as I can (with examples) why this doesn't work FOR ME. Maybe that will help me figure out how to talk about the topic at hand in a more effective manner, and maybe it will give some discussion. Neither of these outcomes is a bad one in my view; and if nothing comes of it, I won't mind because writing is something I truly enjoy. (It IS better when there is an audience, I won't lie. But I write for me as much as I possibly can, and if people want to talk about it, that's just icing on the cake.)

When talking about injustice, I generally side on the "do everything possible to make it stop" part of the spectrum. Social justice and equality are big deals to me. I've made it my life's mission to teach my kids tolerance and I work in many ways to promote equality across the spectrum outside of the home.  The comment that equated my commentary to the gay rights conversation last week really caught me off guard. After looking at things a little more closely, I figured there's really only one way to proceed, and that's to SHOW you what I mean.

The post my pal wrote brought up sexism, and what a lot of you saw as sexism in "make believe land". While I don't want to detract too much, I do want to interject a few conversations that I think might exemplify the imbalance of male viewpoints to female viewpoints and then move along.

The examples I'll be using are from one of my all-time favorite blogs. This is a blog that has an extremely good ratio of male to female respondents, and the general makeup of the readers are well-educated, professional people. This blog is highly regarded as having one of the most civil and adult comments sections among workplace related blogs.

Because this blog is highly directed to workplace concerns, many times when there is a concern about how men and women interact, there's a specific legal subtext to the advice and conversations. Almost all of those deal with HARASSMENT, which is somewhat different than sexism, but the way the comments play out shows that perceptions about harassment have sexist overtones.

Some examples of discussions where the conversation includes harassment and gender divides include : link 1- This is the most extreme example I found.  This conversation also addresses the topics, but not for a while and you can see a distinct gender disparity.  This one's really good, and really gets to it. Also, this one is decent at addressing the topic, and THIS ONE is one that shows the disparity very clearly.

To me, the way the divide slides very much along gender lines (and to some extent, lines of power) says very clearly that someone is missing the point. For women to say "hey, this is harassment" and men to say "um, nope" means that there's an imbalance of understanding and ability to communicate what exactly harassment IS to a woman and why.

The "sides" of feeling and perceiving harassment are clear to me- whomever says "hey, this bothers me, cut it out" is in the right. It's not up to the person acting to do anything other than listen and change behaviors so as not to do the offending thing again.

All of that was to make a point. The point was men and women see things differently. There was some talk that those little models sculpted to look like boobs and butts were somehow sexist. Sexism is a little more complex than simple harassment, but the idea is similar. 


It might be that I misunderstood the intentions of male posters over at the previous discussion because I am female. My perceptions and understanding of the comments and behaviors might very well have been clouded by my previous encounters with men. As I stated earlier, my original point was that men aren't affected or influenced by these encounters in the same way that I am, and their perspective is different than mine. It makes it tougher for them to clearly identify "hey, this is uncool" because they as men don't get the same result from daily interactions. 

From my perspective, the VERY MOST you could say about sexy models was that they might encourage men to look at women in a sexual way and perhaps see the female form as a sexual object instead of recognizing that there are PEOPLE behind the boobs out in the real world. 

When I see "sexy models", I don't see sexism or misogyny or anything like that. I see FANTASY, and I wholeheartedly accept and encourage the fantastic as a way for people to express themselves and their interest in the hobby. I don't happen to find the models as any sort problem, but I've come to realize it might be partially due to the fact that I'm attracted to ladies just as much as I am to men.

I don't really talk about this very much, because identifying as anything under the  LGBT flag can and does get you marginalized (even further than I might already be as a woman) and I'm just not interested in inviting THAT onto my plate as well.

I have decided that for me, hot models are hot models and I like them. I see and know a difference between fantasy and reality. To me, models and art are part of the imaginary and unreality of gaming. They are not "real".

They are not personal interactions between men and women. They are not relationships where males talk to and about females in various ways. They are not restrictions by males on access to power, voice or influence for women (or any minority). These things- these are things I will work myself up over. These are things I see as worthy of my attention.

I have no doubt that fighting to make interactions between men and women more equal and less fraught with inference and shades of sexism is a good thing, and I want everyone to take part in helping equality along.  I won't ever back down from fighting against injustices in personal interactions.

But I do have reservations that men can (or will) objectively be able to state that a certain thing is "bad" for women when they aren't female and don't know the same things I do as a woman.

Thanks for listening. I look forward to seeing what comes of this...

[Weekly Words on Women] You Don't Get To

There have been a ton of comments, flagraising and posts going on around the net about feminine models and whether they marginalize women, are sexist and/or misogynistic. Most of them have been in response to my pal, who is a knucklehead extraordinaire.

What I found hardest to take was that all of these articles were written by men.  A lot of them have been "in the works" for a long time now. That sounds great until you notice the impetus for actually putting their thoughts out there is almost a 'knee-jerk' response to a post written by my friend. They responded because they were affronted by something another man wrote. 


The level of annoyed, perturbed, frustrated and just generally angsty I had over this turn of events was pretty high.


"Oh, that's sexist." "That's oppressing women." "I've been thinking about this topic for a long time and I have a lot to say about it."

for real ? -_-

You do not get to decide what is and isn't sexist.  You don't get to determine if something is "hateful to women" (because that is what misogynistic MEANS) or whether things are oppressive. You just DON'T.

You know why? Because you're NOT A WOMAN.

[Weekly Words on Women] Watching the World Turn Upside Down

As most of you know, I don't tend to get passionate about a whole lot. I try pretty hard to be even-natured and talk about things in a fairly rational way. I don't let too much rile me up, and I avoid the shenanigans you can count on from my co-author, SinSynn.

I'm going to play by some different rules for this series, which I had planned and sketched out well before last week's web explosion on gender, bias and sexism.


Over the next few weeks, I will be looking at access and control some more, along with the gaming community and how women are viewed and treated. I'll probably discuss how we got to where we are today, and ask a lot of questions. 

Last time, I talked about control and access in regards to women's sexuality. This time, - let's talk about women's rights. I'm specifically looking at the way the world is changing and how control and access is being challenged, especially via religion and politics (at least in the US).

[Weekly Words on Women] The Strip Club

It's dark, moody and heady with quiet anticipation inside the club.

All the lights focus on the woman moving on the stage, flashing across her breasts as she swings around the pole, beckoning to the audience.

The beat of the music is generating interest and attention as her hair slides across her back, her head turning to look at the crowd again.

[Weekly Whimsy] Romance

[Welcome to Weekly Whimsy! Accentuating ardor, amour, admiration and affairs; regaling relevant rules for relations.] 

“O for the gentleness of old Romance, the simple planning of a minstrel's song!”   John Keats

Got a special someone? Lady Friend? Dr. Girlfriend? She Who Must Be Obeyed? Wife? Man? Sexy Thing? Dude? Husband? 

If so, no doubt you've noticed that Valentine's Day is quickly arriving. I've heard countless times from many of my male gaming friends that Valentine's Day gives them something of a complex- they simply have no idea “what to do”. I thought I'd toss you guys a bone and help you out. 

Yes, I know I'm a little late on the scene. I probably should have followed my own, best advice when it comes to wooing;

1- Do a little planning. 

For us gamers, being prepared is either second nature, or a terrible burden. I know countless guys that come to game ill-prepared (no dice, paper, pencils, nothing). For them, thinking ahead is an actual chore. Then there's those of us who are just a little crazy about being ready for anything. I'm personally guilty of having no less than 3 pens at any time and I usually have a pad of paper, too. For me, being prepared is second nature to who I am. 

Regardless, when it comes to romance, planning ahead is essential. Don't wait until the last minute- or you'll end up giving wilted, terrible flowers from a gas station, bad lingerie from Kmart, or Little Debbie's Valentine Cakes. (Sometimes those terrible gifts can turn into a goofy tradition- but be aware at least some frustration will come of it before your Sweetie thinks it's “sweet”.)

What kinds of planning has a LOT to do with your special friend, and almost nothing to do with “what the media says”. Here's an example:

If your Significant Other adores Motocross, getting her a hearts & flowers gram is not going to be as effective as getting tickets to the nearest dirt track show. If he likes SCA and RenFaire stuff, he'll most likely be far more tickled with a trip to Medieval Times than going to see the latest Jet Li movie.

Having tickets to these sorts of things takes thinking weeks (if not MONTHS) in advance. Many of these sorts of adventures involve travel. That can include hotel stays, dinner out, and distractions other than the intended event. Coordinating all of the said itinerary ahead of schedule with consideration to your partner's tastes can turn you into a hero overnight. But all of those ideas need at least an element of 

2- Know Your Partner's Interests- This, in a nutshell, is: PAY ATTENTION. 

You know what synergies work best in your armies, right? The same should be said for your romantic endeavors. Know what works, and use it to your advantage. 

I'm a pretty simple girl. I like good food, games, books, miniatures and purses. I'm also very fond of surprises. I'm known to enjoy wrestling, football, basketball and goofy action movies. A quick surprise date to see a movie like “Red” and going out to have dinner at a place I haven't tried before is going to score TheDude major points with me. Knowing what makes your partner smile is a key element to romancing and wooing said person. 

Giving a gift (or expressing your affection in a way) that's meant to show you understand her, and care about what she likes is golden. Guys like it too- nothing's worse than a bad golf tie when he hates 'that game with the crooked sticks'. Give him a StormRaven, a new Citadel Paint set, or maybe a Battle Foam bag instead.

This third pointer is really meant for the guys, but girls can learn at least a little something, too.

3- Make your partner feel valued. 

 

This is a bit tough to explain, but it's kind of like showcasing your favorite IC or HQ on your blog for all their massive exploits. You want to offer public validation and recognition for that special someone in your life so they're seen for how truly awesome they are. 

This is really about helping a girl feel like a princess in a fairy tale- making a special impression with a truly grand gesture. Guys like to feel like rock stars, with tons of adoring fans and massive adulation. 

If you send flowers (and you should know IF she likes them and what kind), do it EARLY in the week, and send them to her work. She'll get the thrill of seeing a delivery just for her, she gets to brag on you all week, and get admiring glances from the other gals at work. It's a win-win. 

Tell him how much you appreciate him- in writing, through music, with a tattoo or writing a check to help fund his dream. Do it in a big way, so that he knows how much you treasure what he does for you, and he can gloat to the other guys how he has “the best partner in the universe”. It's a win-win.

Doing just a little work will pay off big in the long run. Just like play testing or honing a list (and subsequently stomping face), the effort is completely worth the results when your loved one swoons at your romantic gestures. 

Being “romantic”, much like winning against a tough competitor, is not simple- but it's easily accomplished with preparation and planning. 

Be Well (and be prepared), 

'Lo 

[Weekly Whimsy] The Skin Trade

[Welcome to Weekly Whimsy! Wishing your and yours wondrous winter warmth and winging wit on warrior women and what they wear.]

Red Sonja is awesome.- Dethtron

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Really, what can I say? At some point, I have to go to the obvious material. I've been trying to avoid the topic for some time, hoping to come up with some wise & witty commentary regarding the elephant in the room: women in fantasy art.

Screw that noise.

I only have a few comments in regards to the De rigueur damsels en dishabillement. No, they're not terribly consistent or logical. I never said I was consistent; just opinionated.

I "Get" It.

[Weekly Whimsy] "Let The Boys Do It"

[Welcome to Weekly Whimsy! Loquacious lets loose, laying low long-lived lamentations on living as a lady.]

[Absolutely not at all in response to Dethtron, but it's pretty fitting.]

"When a man asks a woman, "Would you like help with that?", what he's really saying is:
"Would you like some d**k?" "- Chris Rock, Bigger & Blacker

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I honestly and truly don't see myself as a feminist. I have too many old fashioned values for that; but I am a highly modern woman, trying to get by in a (mostly) modern world.

[Weekly Whimsy] The Girlfriend

Welcome to Weekly Whimsy! Meandering into more mature material, mumblings and missives maintenant. Guys, I'm gabbing on the glamorous, gorgeous, garrulous, gamine, gracious, and gratifying gender; germane to gaming and giving guys a gamble.

[One of these days I'll find a tougher letter. On to the subject at hand! As hinted to above, this is a little more serious. I still plan to be lighthearted and fun, but this is a slightly more adult topic today.]

Hey little girl, I wanna be your boyfriend

Ramones, I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend

over heard at the game store:

Gamer 1- “So, after 9 months of dating, I finally told my girlfriend I played [insert game title here]”

Gamer 2- “What was her response?”

Gamer 1- “ I still have a girlfriend.”

[remainder of conversation irrelevant]

Seen at the game store:

Gamer C brought his girlfriend to a MtG event. By all accounts, she wanted to play and was hanging out with C's friends A & K. C generously and willingly paid for her entry. A & K teased C mercilessly for paying and being a gentleman, but in a gentle, chiding sort of way.

Girlfriends. While as a rule, gamers seem to want them (a few notable exceptions come to mind); they seem to be a strange and compelling quandary for the men I know.

[40K] Where Are The Ladies?

So I have an idea for a Killzone team that would need at least 2 ladies. The idea is spawned out of the old Armageddon crew- I'm thinking of Chad Black, his lovely Anita, along with Father Pain and Mercy. They would most likely be Black Templars, or possibly just really DARK Space Marines. One of the ladies can easily be out of the Witchhunters/Sisters of Battle- she's essentially a nun; I can find a figure.

The other? I really envision a bad-ass babe in SpaceMarine armor. Is there such a thing?

On that thought, does 40K have any serious butt-kicking females at all?

Sure, there's Lelith, and some of the Wytches. Are they HQ slots, though? Are they "leading the charge"?

In WarMachine, there's no end of sure-fire hell raising women. Sorscha, Haley, Deneghra, Fiora, Ashlynn, Kaelyssa- each faction has a killer; no-holds barred lady to lead the forces. Hell, the AVATAR of MENOTH is a woman.

Is it too much to ask for a girl with great gams in armor for my 40K shenanigans?

Failing what I really want, what can I convert? Do I need a degree in greenstuffing to get anything close?

[Weekly Whimsy] International Suit Up Day (Part 2)

Welcome to Weekly Whimsy! Discussing delivery of the debonaire, dissing the douche that doesn't dress, diving into the depths of the dearth and death of determination, derring do, and drive.

[Love my weekly word-nerd fit. On to today's topic!]

Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man- ZZ Top, Sharp Dressed Man

Earlier this week, Dave over at CrewShakenNotStirred talked about International Suit Up Day. He approached the subject from a lighthearted and tongue-in-cheek. His post was well received and he was able to get a group of folks to admit their foibles as former slobs.

His closing statement was meant as a rally cry, a shot of morale- "Suit Up. Score Chicks. Win Games!"

The "Suit Up" portion of his was clear in point and purpose. I love the sentiment and would like to see more of my local crew take it to heart. Dave did a great illustration on the benefits of better grooming, and his bumbler-turned-Barney was easy to identify and commisserate with in retrospective amusement.

It was the brandishment to "Score Chicks" that was slightly lacking, and I'd like to step up to the challenge. While Dave was lighthearted and jovial in his delivery, my tone will be a bit more sisterly, wise, and slightly serious. A strong nod to Chumby's advice is needed here- "Get A Job" and "Hit The Gym" are not bad words of wisdom at all; definitely worthy of attention.

Dave and Chumby don't do enough for their fellow dudes. They approach the subject, and make pointed comments in the general area, but miss the heart of the matter. So I propose a primer- primarily from the perspective of the pursued. So as a favor to my comrades in dice, I offer:

The Do's and Don'ts of Dudes

Do- Suit Up. Dave is right- an improved appearance and the following self confidence he discusses makes a world of difference in the way a dude is perceived by the world. Self confidence and all it encompasses can make improvements to the general nature of the dude in question, benefiting him in a multitude of ways.

Do- Get Out of the House. Dave suggests getting off the internet and interacting with your pals at the pub, watching telly and drinking brews. Certainly a social life with the guys is a step in the right direction. But if it's finding a chick you seek, hanging with your friends won't get you very far. You need to

Go Where The Girls Are

Where is this magical land of females? Is there some hidden door you have to make a 5+ roll to find? Does it smell funny there?

Amazing thing to hear, but girls are people too. They have interests, hobbies, passions and pursuits just as well as the guys. As I mentioned in my "On Shoes" post, it doesn't hurt at all to learn about the very things that ladies enjoy.

Unfortunately, every girl is different. The more you know the girl in question, the more you can personalize the conversation- and the better off you'll do with said lady. However, there are some things that are somewhat safe- much like sports, cars and guns for guys; there are a few things you can assume are good topics of discussion with the female kind.

These topics include (but aren't limited to) dancing, cooking, creative crafting, home decor and furnishings, movies & television, popular books, and music.

If you're hoping to find a specific kind of girl, you're in luck. Get involved in a group where a girl of that kind is likely to congregate, and you'll probably have some luck. Very importantly, Geeky girls are becoming less of a rare breed and are easily found at anime clubs, libraries, drama groups, Mystery Theater troups,  and even the occasional game store.

Going to and getting involved in activities outside of the pub and the local 40K night can be a good way to meet a girl.

Once you find a girl worth your time and attention, there's a VERY important point you need to heed.

DON'T treat her like prey. Girls, as delicious as they are, don't like being treated like they are dinner (at least not until much later). Be aware of your surroundings. Pay attention to her, but not so much that she can obviously feel that she is your sole focus. I'm sure you've all witnessed the guy going in for the kill- zooming in on the "target" to the oblivion of the rest of the room, only to be batted down.

Nine times out of ten, it has nothing to do with what he said. It's almost always about HOW he said it. If he said it while crowding her personal space, while stepping on people behind him because he was so focused on her he didn't see them, or while blocking her from an exit;  he's out of luck.

Now you have a girl who you'd like to pay attention to, and she hasn't rejected you. There's just one more important thing to know, and the rest should work itself out.

DO Have Ambition. Have something concrete you want to do and have an action plan of how you want to do it. This is somewhat an offshoot of the "Suit Up" lesson earlier- self confidence will certainly assist you in this regard; but having something- ANYTHING you want to do and are passionate about is an absolute must.

I'll be honest, even a guy living at home with mom/parents may not be an automatic "no" if he's in med school or taking care of a sick family member. A guy with a steady but dead end job isn't out of the running if he's taking night classes, teaching himself a language or skill, or knows that in X years he's going to explore a challenging area of study, travel or have accomplished something noteworthy. A dude with ambition is well worth a woman's time, and definitely at an advantage over the guy who hasn't yet learned to "Suit Up".

One last don't for you, fellows:


DON'T lie or cheat. Simply not cool and disrespects all that work you did to improve yourself over the slacker you might previously have been, or are competing against.

While this is not a complete collection, it's a stepping stone to superior situations with the other sex. I hope you've enjoyed it, and I'll have something fun for you next week.

[Weekly Whimsy] Dark Thoughts

Welcome to Weekly Whimsy, where wild, wacky, willful, and worthy words are wound and whipped at wondrous works of  wit from the web.

[Ok, I got my word-nerd fit out of the way- onto today's topic!]
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I'm bringin' sexy back- Justin Timberlake, Sexyback

The fine folks over at GW have finally decided to show us the magic behind the curtain, and revealed their new project; the Dark Eldar. Once the sneak peeks were out, the 40K blogsphere lit up with chatter, discussion, commentary and other general talk.

The first discussions were purely aesthetic- because really, all we got to see were pictures at the beginning.

Lelith is completely gorgeous. She's lithe and deadly, a combination of lethality and loveliness that's perfect for the Dark Eldar look and feel.

GW got the DE aesthetic absolutely right in the previews so far. The figures I have seen are haunting, beautiful, alluring, otherworldly and absolutely breathtaking in their stunning elegance. The eery, siren-like quality of these figures is better than most of us imagined, and they are magnificent.

As a woman, I have no problem saying that I think Lelith and the wytches are knockouts. I really appreciate the women of the DE world- they're toned as hell and can kick my ass. I'm actually a little jealous. I think the girls exemplify the savage hedonism of the Dark Eldar universe in spades, and show what you can do with imagery that fluff simply can't convey.

I also find the quality and shape of the ladies' chests to be absolutely stellar.

It's completely refreshing to see breasts in a fantasy setting that are actually realistic and physically possible.

I understand that I'm a sheep among wolves, a voice in the wilderness, and a very unusual viewpoint on this regard. I know that the majority of the gaming universe is male, and the population is even more testosterone laden in the miniatures world.  I understand that sex sells, and that making the gratuitous T&A as fantastic as possible increases the likelihood a man will pick up a product and buy it.

I don't really have a problem with that. I want the companies I do business with to do well so that they stay in business, and then I can buy the products I enjoy. I want the guys around me to have things that tickle their fancy, so that I have people to play with and against.

I also understand the desire as a geek to have some outlet where you are a rockstar- a place where you have the ability to command and possess the world around you. I get the goofy Dark Helmet tendencies, too. I GET IT that it's nice to have some eye candy, so that your dorky, nerdy hobby isn't so dorky and nerdy all the time. [I'm blessed in that the eye candy I enjoy is alive, and walks, talks and is pretty interesting. And then I have The Dude- bonus!] I have no real issue with wanting to make playing with little dollies (or boring books, or pieces of cardboard)  a bit less ridicule worthy.

I don't even really have a problem with the crass and vulgar descriptions of the gals. I'm pretty desensitised to coarse language. I have three brothers, all younger, and I game. A large majority of my friends (85% or more) are men. I personally take part in some pretty rough and dirty language, all because of how I'm wired. I'm usually one of the first to take a slightly off color remark to the farthest point, and I'm pretty likely to take a perfectly innocent remark and twist it on its ear into something raunchy.

I just wonder how many of these guys were making 'sexxxxxy' comments when BA came out. Those dudes are all full of beauty and grace, plus some massive murderizing thrown in form shits & giggles. Don't the sanguinators deserve some ego (or other) stroking too? What about the Bugs? All I heard was a lot of cussing when the new 'Nids 'Dex came out, it seemed.

So, I'm all for giving the girls their props, but I'll be an equal opportunist and adore on all the stuff that rocks, and not just the ladies.

I Want Your, Let's Talk About, --- Packets

Yes, I'm addressing sex.

I'm a Grown Woman (What fantastic song, btw) and I'm not afraid of the topic. I think it can be handled effectively, sensitively and with a strong sense of drama to benefit plot, character development and even overall themes in a game when done properly.

An essential element is maturity- both of the GM and the players involved in any endeavor. Trying a dramatic plotline around a pregnancy and subsequent child in a Rogue Trader game full of 17-19 year old boys will in most cases bomb.Another is tone- again, GM & players have to be considered, as well as the game in question. Developing a harrowing, gripping and emotive plot around a rape in a kill-orks-for-beer-money game is not a likely event.

Yet another required ingredient is interest- if the  GM or the players in the game don't address it, ignore it, or act as if it's irrelevant; you're probably not going to get any traction with a good love interest.

I think it's also important to be aware of how complex this topic can be - either in all male groups, or in cross gendered ones as well. With all male groups, accomplished and comfortable roleplayers can find it difficult to bring reality to amorous actions without discomfort. Cross gendered groups may find the same concerns, just with different dimensions. (I've known several cases of players running characters in love in game, and feelings crossing over into real life, with disastrous results.)

Even with all those concerns and caveats, I've seen some riveting, excellent and inventive play come across through sex oriented plots or development angles.