[Weekly Words on Women] Raising Kids in A Gamer Environment

I'm a mom. I've made no bones about it, but I don't talk about the act of raising my kids, or how my home life works much. I'm just not a "mommy blogger" and have no desire to be one.

BLECH. No thank you. 

The main reason is that I exist outside of my kids. I am a whole person, and not just "so-and-so'smommy". I have this crazy idea that someday they will move out and be independent people, and for them to do that, *I* have to be a person for them to learn from.

A few of my readers know that I've been in the gaming community since I was 12.
I was introduced to games and gaming by my dad, who is also a gamer. I've spent pretty much my entire years outside of childhood as a gaming person, and it's definitely influenced me in some very interesting ways.

As much as I love my dad, he really didn't do a lot of raising me. I did a lot of raising myself. Part of that was because I didn't start living with him until later in life, and he didn't know what "made me tick"; and part of it was that I was just wired that way. Being introduced to the local geek community while I was still "raising myself" meant that the guys in the gaming club had a hand in how I turned out.

I learned that just because something is make believe or fantasy doesn't mean you always get what you want. I learned that RPGs are cooperative and that learning to  collaborate is a good idea. I learned a lot about social graces and how to talk in an environment of men. I learned how to properly measure for moving miniatures.

One of these might have been cool.

I met TheDude when I was 12. I met him on the first night I went to the game club, but I wasn't really impressed. I actually didn't like him very much for the first year or so that I knew him. It happened slowly over time that we grew to be good friends. We were friends for several years and then started dating. We were both really young when we got married, and we had 2 kids before I was 24.

When it came to raising our kids, I knew raising them around gamers was going to be a given. I game. TheDude games. My brother and his wife game. My dad games. All our friends game.

Raising kids is tough enough from my perspective as a mom. When you add in the mix of some of the typical gamer traits I've seen at the table, I had a whole different level of things to consider as I taught my children about the world.

Each kid had different considerations, because they are very different people. To me, this is an obvious and important issue to keep in mind. I've seen mothers who lose sight of this in some crazy attempt to make everything "even" and "fair"; but me, I understand far too well that kids need to be treated like people; just people that aren't done growing up yet.

My son had a firm desire to game, and a strong understanding of mechanics from a very early age. Pretty much every game he has laid his hands on, he has figured out. It's the social niceties that he is lacking on at times, with subtleties and conventions moving just outside his peripheral vision.

My daughter is still unsure about gaming; and rules baffle her quite often. However, she adores the social nature of the gaming crowd, and enjoys participating in the ebb and flow of the laughter, conversations and general frivolity that our group generates.

While she's tuned into interactions she's involved in, the ones around her often elude her entirely. As a somewhat naive teenager, she often misses clues that I catch. I've had an occasion or two where someone has shown her just a little too much interest or paid attention to her a little too hard, and I've had to be vigilant on her behalf.

Teaching my kids the ins and outs of how our gaming culture works has been challenging and enlightening. I have worked hard to raise these interesting people to be good additions to any group, all while knowing that they have to do most of the work themselves.

Being a mom is fraught with all kinds of society directed baggage- and I've refused to let my being a parent mold my choices in life. That doesn't mean my moral decisions aren't guided by the influence of children in my life; it just means that like everything I do, I consider what is best for my family at the time and decide accordingly.

Taking kids to conventions, or game stores, or playing games at home- all of these choices are dependent on the parent and the kid involved; and may change according to circumstance or timing. All those choices are a lot to deal with, along with how and when to introduce my kids to the local scene.

Being a mom is uniquely a female endeavor, and being female means a lot of expectations  about motherhood. I've tried not to let too many of them get me down, but some of them are pretty heavy. The only ones that matter are the ones my husband and children set, and working to meet them is a challenge and a privilege. Sometimes being a lady is pretty neat. 

[Weekly Words on Women] Who Decides

Based on the phenomenal response my post last week got, I thought I'd address an aspect of my underlying argument differently. I'd like to try to look at this in a more objective and dispassionate way.

My original premise was that men - by virtue of being men - don't have the authority or privilege of deciding what women view as sexist, misogynistic, or otherwise problematic.  My general basis for this argument is that men are not affected or impacted by items, situations or actions that could be perceived as sexist, misogynistic or problematic in the same way that women are.

I'll accept the proposed suggestion that there are guys that value women and their struggles in modern society, and specifically gaming. I'll go along with the idea that there are men that are interested in battling injustices, who want to voice their opposition to those items, situations and actions. I don't disagree that there is a corps of men who believe as strongly as I do that wrong is wrong.

There comes a time when the folks deciding what is wrong (and to some extent, WHY) is a pretty important part of any discussion. Maybe this flies in the face of your worldview- that "wrong is wrong", and that's all there is to it. Perhaps the concept that who says an item, situation or action is wrong makes no difference to you; as long as someone is speaking out, it's a good thing (to you).

I'll attempt to explain as clearly as I can (with examples) why this doesn't work FOR ME. Maybe that will help me figure out how to talk about the topic at hand in a more effective manner, and maybe it will give some discussion. Neither of these outcomes is a bad one in my view; and if nothing comes of it, I won't mind because writing is something I truly enjoy. (It IS better when there is an audience, I won't lie. But I write for me as much as I possibly can, and if people want to talk about it, that's just icing on the cake.)

When talking about injustice, I generally side on the "do everything possible to make it stop" part of the spectrum. Social justice and equality are big deals to me. I've made it my life's mission to teach my kids tolerance and I work in many ways to promote equality across the spectrum outside of the home.  The comment that equated my commentary to the gay rights conversation last week really caught me off guard. After looking at things a little more closely, I figured there's really only one way to proceed, and that's to SHOW you what I mean.

The post my pal wrote brought up sexism, and what a lot of you saw as sexism in "make believe land". While I don't want to detract too much, I do want to interject a few conversations that I think might exemplify the imbalance of male viewpoints to female viewpoints and then move along.

The examples I'll be using are from one of my all-time favorite blogs. This is a blog that has an extremely good ratio of male to female respondents, and the general makeup of the readers are well-educated, professional people. This blog is highly regarded as having one of the most civil and adult comments sections among workplace related blogs.

Because this blog is highly directed to workplace concerns, many times when there is a concern about how men and women interact, there's a specific legal subtext to the advice and conversations. Almost all of those deal with HARASSMENT, which is somewhat different than sexism, but the way the comments play out shows that perceptions about harassment have sexist overtones.

Some examples of discussions where the conversation includes harassment and gender divides include : link 1- This is the most extreme example I found.  This conversation also addresses the topics, but not for a while and you can see a distinct gender disparity.  This one's really good, and really gets to it. Also, this one is decent at addressing the topic, and THIS ONE is one that shows the disparity very clearly.

To me, the way the divide slides very much along gender lines (and to some extent, lines of power) says very clearly that someone is missing the point. For women to say "hey, this is harassment" and men to say "um, nope" means that there's an imbalance of understanding and ability to communicate what exactly harassment IS to a woman and why.

The "sides" of feeling and perceiving harassment are clear to me- whomever says "hey, this bothers me, cut it out" is in the right. It's not up to the person acting to do anything other than listen and change behaviors so as not to do the offending thing again.

All of that was to make a point. The point was men and women see things differently. There was some talk that those little models sculpted to look like boobs and butts were somehow sexist. Sexism is a little more complex than simple harassment, but the idea is similar. 


It might be that I misunderstood the intentions of male posters over at the previous discussion because I am female. My perceptions and understanding of the comments and behaviors might very well have been clouded by my previous encounters with men. As I stated earlier, my original point was that men aren't affected or influenced by these encounters in the same way that I am, and their perspective is different than mine. It makes it tougher for them to clearly identify "hey, this is uncool" because they as men don't get the same result from daily interactions. 

From my perspective, the VERY MOST you could say about sexy models was that they might encourage men to look at women in a sexual way and perhaps see the female form as a sexual object instead of recognizing that there are PEOPLE behind the boobs out in the real world. 

When I see "sexy models", I don't see sexism or misogyny or anything like that. I see FANTASY, and I wholeheartedly accept and encourage the fantastic as a way for people to express themselves and their interest in the hobby. I don't happen to find the models as any sort problem, but I've come to realize it might be partially due to the fact that I'm attracted to ladies just as much as I am to men.

I don't really talk about this very much, because identifying as anything under the  LGBT flag can and does get you marginalized (even further than I might already be as a woman) and I'm just not interested in inviting THAT onto my plate as well.

I have decided that for me, hot models are hot models and I like them. I see and know a difference between fantasy and reality. To me, models and art are part of the imaginary and unreality of gaming. They are not "real".

They are not personal interactions between men and women. They are not relationships where males talk to and about females in various ways. They are not restrictions by males on access to power, voice or influence for women (or any minority). These things- these are things I will work myself up over. These are things I see as worthy of my attention.

I have no doubt that fighting to make interactions between men and women more equal and less fraught with inference and shades of sexism is a good thing, and I want everyone to take part in helping equality along.  I won't ever back down from fighting against injustices in personal interactions.

But I do have reservations that men can (or will) objectively be able to state that a certain thing is "bad" for women when they aren't female and don't know the same things I do as a woman.

Thanks for listening. I look forward to seeing what comes of this...

[Weekly Words on Women] You Don't Get To

There have been a ton of comments, flagraising and posts going on around the net about feminine models and whether they marginalize women, are sexist and/or misogynistic. Most of them have been in response to my pal, who is a knucklehead extraordinaire.

What I found hardest to take was that all of these articles were written by men.  A lot of them have been "in the works" for a long time now. That sounds great until you notice the impetus for actually putting their thoughts out there is almost a 'knee-jerk' response to a post written by my friend. They responded because they were affronted by something another man wrote. 


The level of annoyed, perturbed, frustrated and just generally angsty I had over this turn of events was pretty high.


"Oh, that's sexist." "That's oppressing women." "I've been thinking about this topic for a long time and I have a lot to say about it."

for real ? -_-

You do not get to decide what is and isn't sexist.  You don't get to determine if something is "hateful to women" (because that is what misogynistic MEANS) or whether things are oppressive. You just DON'T.

You know why? Because you're NOT A WOMAN.

[Weekly Words on Women] Watching the World Turn Upside Down

As most of you know, I don't tend to get passionate about a whole lot. I try pretty hard to be even-natured and talk about things in a fairly rational way. I don't let too much rile me up, and I avoid the shenanigans you can count on from my co-author, SinSynn.

I'm going to play by some different rules for this series, which I had planned and sketched out well before last week's web explosion on gender, bias and sexism.


Over the next few weeks, I will be looking at access and control some more, along with the gaming community and how women are viewed and treated. I'll probably discuss how we got to where we are today, and ask a lot of questions. 

Last time, I talked about control and access in regards to women's sexuality. This time, - let's talk about women's rights. I'm specifically looking at the way the world is changing and how control and access is being challenged, especially via religion and politics (at least in the US).

[Weekly Words on Women] The Strip Club

It's dark, moody and heady with quiet anticipation inside the club.

All the lights focus on the woman moving on the stage, flashing across her breasts as she swings around the pole, beckoning to the audience.

The beat of the music is generating interest and attention as her hair slides across her back, her head turning to look at the crowd again.

[Weekly Whimsy] A Deeper Look, Part 2

[Welcome to Weekly Whimsy! What, words? Why? When worried, worked and worn, wander into wonder, and witness whimsy's will.]




What she say? She said - Prince, Joy In Repetition 
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I'm back from a brutal week. Somehow my brain and life got disconnected and I'm really feeling it. I see my comments and queries this week as much more analytical and less personally involved- for good or bad, I'm not sure.

I am taking another look at the questions asked previously and offering insights. I hope my cogitations are more open to gamers in general, with a nod to the ladies, as I wasn't aware I was being exclusionary last week. That's never my intent. I like to talk to everyone!


Dungeonmum asked a really great starter question: How did you get into RPGs?

I ask a variant of this to nearly every person I game with (mine is: How did you get into gaming?) I love hearing the stories- of finding an outlet for creative expression, of united geekiness, and of community. I was really glad to see this question; but not just for ladies- for everyone. I find this topic fascinating for any gamer. The “anatomy of a geek” is really fun to explore. I love finding the common elements and discovering new ways of involvement in our hobby.

In the FGRT, the responses showed that most ladies were self-induced, introduced via peers or adults, with a few SO's in the picture as well. I was excited to see how many of “us” found gaming on our own; it sort of validates a pet theory of mine that geekiness is inherent and nerds will self congregate. Given all that, I found Dungeonmum's assessment that “dating a guy who played” “seems to be the most common way” to get into gaming absolutely revealing.

The IDEA that women get into the hobby through SO's is out there. It's really prevalent when crowdsourcing or taking opinion polls across a large group of people. But in actual interviews of gamers who happen to be female, it's rare. In the FGRT, there were 3 out of 18 responders who indicated they got in via SO's.  Late last year, I did a survey of the women I know personally; and responses were similar- only 1 out of the 15 gals I spoke to got into gaming via their SO.  The overall response rate of introduction via SO's I have seen appears to be less than 9%.  That's a pretty small amount.

Where is this idea coming from?   Why is the “theory” so well believed despite other indicators?

Th next question I'll examine today is one I liked a lot; just on principle. We're asked: Who was your favorite character to play ever? Why?

This is one of the most fun questions to ask a player- because everyone has an answer. I love seeing what motivates people's passion for their creations- from wordplay (woohoo, a fellow word nerd!) to kicking butt (which is also fun), all our answers were personal and resonated to us in some way. This is pretty true no matter who you ask. I love seeing people's faces light up when talking about the badassery and/or awesome they managed as their favorite character. I like it so much so I asked
about it here and got some great responses.

Many responders talked about being able to tap into their “ultimate” or “fantasy” selves-  playing someone they are not; but want to be. Jak was a definite example of this sort of character for me, but he was very difficult to pull off. Jak was essentially my personal opposite: male, decisive, aggressive, hostile, proficient and goal driven. Despite all these personality differences, he shared something with almost all of my other characters. Jak (and almost every single one of my imagined personalities) was fundamentally broken- a tragic hero who sought redemption for past transgressions.

I love to play these kinds of characters- people who are somewhat damaged; but trying to find solace in their actions. To me, it's a great way to work on some of my own “mental junk”; kind of therapy through roleplay. It's also a way to show the depths of tragedy, pain and ultimately; hope. I've truly enjoyed the moments when one of my characters inspires another to greatness, to betterment, or simply to kindness. I know those are pretty small things in the scheme of a game, but they matter to me.

What other players liked was equally interesting. I saw a lot of really fun answers. Our responders enjoyed being smart, tough, or game-changing; not any different than anyone else in any other game setting. I loved that the answers were so diverse and that there didn't appear to be any one “type”; because that'd be boring as hell.

Do you think there is a type of character ladies are “expected” to play?
Further on expectations is the question of bending gender. It appears that there's at least a little bit of an idea that playing against one's own gender is difficult (based on Zak's comments) or strange. I personally find the opposite to be true.  I like playing dudes, and hope to keep at it when given the chance.

The question is: How often do you play male characters?

The comments on this topic seemed to be split roughly 50/50 – with half playing at least some, and the other half not so much. My personal take on that is: that seems fair. It's like asking how often we play fighters, or people in space; simply a matter of preference rather than any big statement.

I didn't get any sense that playing a guy was any more important, consequential or  earthshaking than playing a druid, a demon returned from hell, or  anything else we might play.

The question itself seems to indicate switching up is an oddity. Am I inferring to much from the poser, or does it strike the same chord with you?

Lastly, how one decides gender when creating a character came up.

Concept & gut are the most consistent answers, with equity thrown in for good measure. Again, I think this is as unimportant as how one decides occupation  or education- it all comes down to character creation, and what women do seems  to be the same as what men do.

I'd love to hear your take on these inferences and opinions, as well as differing opinions.  Next week, I'll hit on a few more of the questions, the responses and anything else that hits my fancy. Thanks for joining me this time!

[RPG] Roundtable and Update

First, I want to suggest you folks go take a peek at this thought-provoking post. It was brought to my attention by the ever lovely Dungeonmum, and I figured I'd mosey over and chat a bit.

http://dndwithpornstars.blogspot.com/2011/02/female-gamer-roundtable-is-go.html

I have to say I'm not a usual frequenter of the site for a variety of reasons. However, it is by all metrics available, the most popular and highest traffic RPG blog out there- and giving lady gamers a chance to talk about their perspectives and ideas is a pretty good thing in my book.

I did notice that out of 630+ followers, he's only getting something like 30-40 replies. Zak's not dumb though, and he's putting up a follow up post for more discussion. (Actually, Zak and I have talked off an on via comments in a sundry number of RPG blogs and he's an excessively fun and intelligent guy.)

In other news, my Hero System game set in Hawaii is on hiatus at the moment. TheJoe, the GM, recently got a promotion. (YAY! He deserved it.) Due to this his schedule is a little wonky and he's waiting until things settle down to restart the game.

Some of you may have heard (or guessed), but I've decided to retire Eile in the near future. Exactly how (and when) is still very much up to my evocative and story-driven ST. I have some basic ideas about what will happen- but how I react to it and where it leaves the other players is the meat of the matter. It's very much the crux of the D1 style discussion as was brought about by Porky and expanded on by a large number of folks.

Once Eile's story is concluded (or perhaps a better word is withdrawn), I'm not sure where that will leave me on the RPG front. I'm actively thinking about my game world again- and I have some new questions and thoughts to go along with the making of a world. Porky's got me all flustered on naming conventions, though.  I wonder if his "place" in the community is stirring things up, as opposed to mine, which is inspiring others. Food for thought.

I have more subjects for the "core" RPG series I was doing, but this week I wanted to discuss what *I* am doing, and then get back to community.

Community is what I love, and I'm always interested in what's going on around me. I am trying to make my feeds and links direct content that's compelling and provoking- so I'm working on keywords and really honing in on what I want to discuss.

Be Well,

'Lo

[Weekly Whimsy] Romance

[Welcome to Weekly Whimsy! Accentuating ardor, amour, admiration and affairs; regaling relevant rules for relations.] 

“O for the gentleness of old Romance, the simple planning of a minstrel's song!”   John Keats

Got a special someone? Lady Friend? Dr. Girlfriend? She Who Must Be Obeyed? Wife? Man? Sexy Thing? Dude? Husband? 

If so, no doubt you've noticed that Valentine's Day is quickly arriving. I've heard countless times from many of my male gaming friends that Valentine's Day gives them something of a complex- they simply have no idea “what to do”. I thought I'd toss you guys a bone and help you out. 

Yes, I know I'm a little late on the scene. I probably should have followed my own, best advice when it comes to wooing;

1- Do a little planning. 

For us gamers, being prepared is either second nature, or a terrible burden. I know countless guys that come to game ill-prepared (no dice, paper, pencils, nothing). For them, thinking ahead is an actual chore. Then there's those of us who are just a little crazy about being ready for anything. I'm personally guilty of having no less than 3 pens at any time and I usually have a pad of paper, too. For me, being prepared is second nature to who I am. 

Regardless, when it comes to romance, planning ahead is essential. Don't wait until the last minute- or you'll end up giving wilted, terrible flowers from a gas station, bad lingerie from Kmart, or Little Debbie's Valentine Cakes. (Sometimes those terrible gifts can turn into a goofy tradition- but be aware at least some frustration will come of it before your Sweetie thinks it's “sweet”.)

What kinds of planning has a LOT to do with your special friend, and almost nothing to do with “what the media says”. Here's an example:

If your Significant Other adores Motocross, getting her a hearts & flowers gram is not going to be as effective as getting tickets to the nearest dirt track show. If he likes SCA and RenFaire stuff, he'll most likely be far more tickled with a trip to Medieval Times than going to see the latest Jet Li movie.

Having tickets to these sorts of things takes thinking weeks (if not MONTHS) in advance. Many of these sorts of adventures involve travel. That can include hotel stays, dinner out, and distractions other than the intended event. Coordinating all of the said itinerary ahead of schedule with consideration to your partner's tastes can turn you into a hero overnight. But all of those ideas need at least an element of 

2- Know Your Partner's Interests- This, in a nutshell, is: PAY ATTENTION. 

You know what synergies work best in your armies, right? The same should be said for your romantic endeavors. Know what works, and use it to your advantage. 

I'm a pretty simple girl. I like good food, games, books, miniatures and purses. I'm also very fond of surprises. I'm known to enjoy wrestling, football, basketball and goofy action movies. A quick surprise date to see a movie like “Red” and going out to have dinner at a place I haven't tried before is going to score TheDude major points with me. Knowing what makes your partner smile is a key element to romancing and wooing said person. 

Giving a gift (or expressing your affection in a way) that's meant to show you understand her, and care about what she likes is golden. Guys like it too- nothing's worse than a bad golf tie when he hates 'that game with the crooked sticks'. Give him a StormRaven, a new Citadel Paint set, or maybe a Battle Foam bag instead.

This third pointer is really meant for the guys, but girls can learn at least a little something, too.

3- Make your partner feel valued. 

 

This is a bit tough to explain, but it's kind of like showcasing your favorite IC or HQ on your blog for all their massive exploits. You want to offer public validation and recognition for that special someone in your life so they're seen for how truly awesome they are. 

This is really about helping a girl feel like a princess in a fairy tale- making a special impression with a truly grand gesture. Guys like to feel like rock stars, with tons of adoring fans and massive adulation. 

If you send flowers (and you should know IF she likes them and what kind), do it EARLY in the week, and send them to her work. She'll get the thrill of seeing a delivery just for her, she gets to brag on you all week, and get admiring glances from the other gals at work. It's a win-win. 

Tell him how much you appreciate him- in writing, through music, with a tattoo or writing a check to help fund his dream. Do it in a big way, so that he knows how much you treasure what he does for you, and he can gloat to the other guys how he has “the best partner in the universe”. It's a win-win.

Doing just a little work will pay off big in the long run. Just like play testing or honing a list (and subsequently stomping face), the effort is completely worth the results when your loved one swoons at your romantic gestures. 

Being “romantic”, much like winning against a tough competitor, is not simple- but it's easily accomplished with preparation and planning. 

Be Well (and be prepared), 

'Lo 

[Weekly Whimsy] The Skin Trade

[Welcome to Weekly Whimsy! Wishing your and yours wondrous winter warmth and winging wit on warrior women and what they wear.]

Red Sonja is awesome.- Dethtron

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Really, what can I say? At some point, I have to go to the obvious material. I've been trying to avoid the topic for some time, hoping to come up with some wise & witty commentary regarding the elephant in the room: women in fantasy art.

Screw that noise.

I only have a few comments in regards to the De rigueur damsels en dishabillement. No, they're not terribly consistent or logical. I never said I was consistent; just opinionated.

I "Get" It.