[Weekly Whimsy] The Girlfriend

Welcome to Weekly Whimsy! Meandering into more mature material, mumblings and missives maintenant. Guys, I'm gabbing on the glamorous, gorgeous, garrulous, gamine, gracious, and gratifying gender; germane to gaming and giving guys a gamble.

[One of these days I'll find a tougher letter. On to the subject at hand! As hinted to above, this is a little more serious. I still plan to be lighthearted and fun, but this is a slightly more adult topic today.]

Hey little girl, I wanna be your boyfriend

Ramones, I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend

over heard at the game store:

Gamer 1- “So, after 9 months of dating, I finally told my girlfriend I played [insert game title here]”

Gamer 2- “What was her response?”

Gamer 1- “ I still have a girlfriend.”

[remainder of conversation irrelevant]

Seen at the game store:

Gamer C brought his girlfriend to a MtG event. By all accounts, she wanted to play and was hanging out with C's friends A & K. C generously and willingly paid for her entry. A & K teased C mercilessly for paying and being a gentleman, but in a gentle, chiding sort of way.

Girlfriends. While as a rule, gamers seem to want them (a few notable exceptions come to mind); they seem to be a strange and compelling quandary for the men I know.



I've seen a lot of girlfriends- been the participant (unwilling) of a spectacular breakup; seen a few eruptions and dramatic explosions; and seen the group's reaction to all the shenanigans. I've also seen some relationships get beyond the 'girlfriend' stage and turn into great marriages. I've witnessed the evolution of gaming groups around stable, committed deals, many times for the better. Girlfriends tend to bring about
a pretty standard set of reactions- at least from my vantage point- and I think those reactions are fairly telling with gentle examination.

These particular outcomes are likely to be co-morbid, and do not always appear in specific order. They're also more than a little bit reactive, and change or reflect other responses quite fluidly. Lastly, all of these
behavioral tendencies are based on my observations; I'll gladly allow there may be others I've not witnessed or some I've overlooked. My observations:

 FEAR- As seen in the first example above; Gamer 1 felt a great deal of trepidation at telling his girlfriend he gamed. The response by Gamer 2 is equally telling: there was concern on how the lady in question would respond.

Some of this comes from genuine fear (or failure to understand, if you will) of the female kind. I've witnessed countless occasions where a fellow blows a perfectly good relationship all to pieces simply due to a lack of
confidence or knowledge of the gender.

Girls seem a mystery; a puzzle; and in many cases almost alien to the males in the midst of the dating ritual. The inability to understand or even fathom the female mind causes more than a few dudes to lose their cool and hang motives and intentions on their lady friends without any real evidence, often to a bad result.

 I've spoken on this subject before and likely will again. Girls aren't so hard to understand; they're people with feelings, concerns and lives just like the guys. Talking to them and getting to know them on more than a
'wow, she looks great' level can change the dynamic entirely and even get you some unintended and possibly very pleasant benefits.

 There is also a correlated apprehension that shows itself in this almost dumbfounded stage of the game; fear of change. This alarm at the unknown and the idea of 'losing' gaming buddies can (and has) made more than one gent behave like a genuine idiot and blow his chances with a gal just as quickly as bad manners.

 This fear is dual in nature and comes from outside forces as well. The gang the guy hangs with can (and often do) react with a bizarre mix of pull-in/push-away behavior aimed at the girl in question. The trepidation and alarm at the idea of one of the fold entering into anything deeper and more meaningful than a short term fling brings about the specter of marriage, and with it, wives. That wives are both revered and revolting to those of the gamer stripe is another post entirely; but it brings about a definite style of action from most guys. This behavior is pushing the friend forward and keeping him from the danger ahead all at the same time. It's this particular force that can do the most serious damage at the early stages of a relationship, but can be overcome with intelligence and wit.
 
TEASING- We've all seen it; the jokes regarding being “whipped”, the comments about losing a “man card”, maybe more than a few rough jokes about availability and quality of sex; general jokes in reference to the fact that the guy actually has a girlfriend are not uncommon in any way.
 
 In the somewhat socially awkward set known as gamers, the dating world is understandably terrifying. This fear is pretty well related to the fear of unknown/change; and jokes help us ease our fears. There's also a level of congratulatory bravado in the joking- a note of “wish it was me; but I'm macho regardless” in the commentary.  

 This can be a true sign of friendship, a signal of fidelity and admiration. It doesn't always happen, but when it does, it's a nod to the bonds that the males of the group share. 


 Mostly, the jokes are a way of accepting the idea that whiling away the hours playing with “little plastic men” might not be the only avenue for entertainment, and that the friends with girls are finding those areas most pleasant.

ACCEPTANCE- The gamers I know are pretty welcoming folks. They're members of a strange and widely unknown subgroup of culture, and have gotten pretty accustomed to admitting whatever strays come their way for lack of other more regularly feasible options. When a new person enters the midst of a group of gamers, there's usually a bit of introductions, a short “testing” phase, and then usually a level of inclusion.
 
With girls, it works a little differently. Girlfriends are mostly accepted based on the boyfriend's merit; the better known and more respected a guy is in a group, the higher the level of affirmation for his
lady will be at first. I mention 'at first' because there is a definite exception to how well or
widely a girl will be included; and it has to do with how the guy acts after he's been around her a while.

OUTRIGHT HATRED- It happens on occasion that the gaming group will simply hate a girl being dated by one of their friends. This is usually due to fear;  or idiocy by the guy in question. 

The guy dating the girl is usually his own worst enemy, and quite often the source of the hatred. He often  displays terrible behavior or becomes a foreigner that's not your friend. Examples of this include kowtowing to the wishes of the woman in a overly fawning way, the loss of any sort of sense of identity outside of her, or the adoption of bizarre and hurtful beliefs of practices. 


Occasionally,  the guy dating the girl will bring his female friend along to game. He'll involve her in the group, and then employs the infuriating and stupid tendency of letting her do no wrong. We've all seen the GM's girlfriend that hits every monster every time, or the magical inability on her character's part to be injured in a fight. The terrible nights of no consequences, dice fudging and favoritism; they're all part of a bigger picture. The guy has become an ass. 

The "girlfriend as goddess" issue in games does more than lose the guy respect, it does a disservice to those few of us women really want to be there. When combined with a girlfriend that's obvious and blatant about her attitude of only doing this as a "favor" or out of a desire to spend time with the guy but shows no interest in his friends; it's crippling to the genuine girl gamers both in the group and in general. 

 Very rarely it's because the guy is dating a total hosebag, and won't toss her over for any number of reasons. This refusal is pretty douchy, but who can blame a guy if this is his first (or most recent after a long dry spell) girlfriend?

NGA (No Girls Allowed)- This is almost always due in some part to a guy in the group who behaved abominably regarding his girlfriend. Often, it's due to more than one fellow being a fool or fuck-up and the group getting soured on girls in general.
 
Some might argue that the NGA is a desire for a refuge from the female kind, a desire for a boy's club; and try to hold it as true. With gaming being such a male tendency to begin, this is a rough argument to make
successfully with any witty and knowledgeable woman. A few have tried it with me, and most fail- it falls back to a badly behaved boor or a bitch.  In over 25 years of gaming, I have only seen this beast be a genuine gentleman's club one time.

As a girl that games, but not because I was a girlfriend or as a 'favor' to TheDude, I take a lot more away from these observations than many of you might. These reactions indicate that there's still a divide between the girls and the boys, and that guys still act like fools in the pusuit of relationships and future happiness. Sometimes those actions have far reaching consequences, and sometimes, there are some truly dispicable dames that influence the shape of attitudes around me. 


I do my best to show females as real folks, and to prove that not all girls are going to steal your friend away, or induce douchery. I hope my point of view has had an effect, even if it's minor-and that you'll view girlfriends with a critical and fair eye when one arrives on the scene. 


Be Well.