I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
Who knew - Pink, Who Knew
I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and it's usually apparent to those around me. As a rule, I'm not great at hiding things. In addition, I work pretty hard to be an honest person. All that being said, I'm very skilled at lying when something truly important is on the line. This dichotomy might seem strange, but it makes sense to me that in order to protect myself or someone I love, I'm going to have to lie (and keep the lie straight). If I'm lying, there's a really good reason for it.
I've been lying to myself about something pretty big for a while now, and I'm just now working out how to cope with the situation and how to be honest with myself about it.
I am very upfront about the fact that I often use a character and his or her roleplaying opportunities as therapy for the stuff I am personally going through. This is specifically true in the WOD game, where the people I play with and the environment is very safe, and I feel that I can really "get through" my issues and get closer to whole again.
Vinnie is a way for me to deal with a very specific issue. However, the issue is the same one I've been lying to myself about. In order for me to get where I want to go, I have to tear down the "wall" of a lie, and face certain truths.
So here it is. I've been hurt recently- and very badly. I've lost something very dear to me, and it's killing me.
I'll admit that I had a role in this and my actions didn't always help me. But I was letting the situation control me; instead of taking some kind of ownership and finding a way to deal with it. I was hiding from how truly hurt I was over this loss, and how much I want to get it back.
In making Vinnie, I came to the "wall" and had to deal with some reality. I can't get what I had back- there's a saying; "you can't go home again". It's very appropriate; but it misses a deeper truth. "Home is where the heart is"; so I can't go home- I have it with me no matter where I go.
Vinnie lost something. He wants to get it back. He knows he can't have the "same" thing; but that he can build himself back up to a level similar to where he was before, and maybe make it his new home. In order to get his "home" back, Vinnie is going to have to do a lot of work.
He was recently asked by the Harpy to get in touch with certain people in the city, and offer certain services. He did what he was asked to do, and got looked at like he was a fool. Vinnie absolutely does not understand what EXACTLY he is supposed to offer; and he doesn't care. He'll do what he has to for a shot at building his "home" (easiest way to express it) back up from the ashes.
I have to be Vinnie for a while. I have to refuse to allow other people's opinions affect me or who I am as a person. I have to do whatever it takes to get some semblance of what I lost back- even if I have to re-examine what I had and determine if it was worth having in the first place. That, my friends, is real and brutal truth.
Vinnie's background and stats will be posted tomorrow- I figure I've gone on long enough.